A Mother's Story: Darrell my baby, my son, my friend

The loss of my son is not my first loss. In seven years I have lost my brother, father, uncle, mother, both in-laws, and went through a divorce. These losses, though tragic do not compare with this, my worst loss, my oldest son; this son who has been the one constant in my life since I was 18 years and is now suddenly gone.

How do people find ways to “get high” and why did my son have to try something that of course didn’t seem “quite right.” Don’t all parents teach their children “not to play with matches, look both ways before crossing the street, don’t eat anything that smells bad, don’t take anything that isn’t yours, don’t breathe in chemicals?” Just the act of putting a product in the mouth has to feel “wrong” to anyone doing so. Did we not teach our lessons well enough? Where did our children learn the practice of using inhalants, specifically computer duster? Who did they do this abnormal practice with?? Where did we go wrong? Why didn’t I look for signs of problems?? Why isn’t the practice of inhalant abuse known? Why didn’t I die instead of my child? These are questions that every parent asks themselves, as I have, after the loss of a child caused by inhalant abuse.

My son Darrell was 37 years old. He had a good job, family and friends that loved him dearly and a future that was bright. He had used various drugs and alcohol in his lifetime. He had done away with them, except the occasional beer. It was such a shock that after 37 years, he would die of inhalant abuse….something that is often connected to adolescent abuse. After his death we found evidence that he had been abusing duster more than just the “last time”. In fact just a couple days before his death he had called me telling me he had gotten burned by a light while working under a car. Living three hours away, I instructed him to go to the emergency room, thinking they would treat the burn and send him home. He was reaching out to me, and I told him to go to strangers. The next day his aunt took him to the emergency room and later told me “Darrell’s color just didn’t look right. He was expressing fear of going to the emergency room, which he wouldn’t explain. His blood pressure was really high and he just said he would deal with it later that week, as he had a doctor’s appointment.” My sister to this day regrets not pushing Darrell to stay, the emergency crew to perform further testing and possibly discover the cause of his abnormal vital signs and possibly ask about inhalant abuse. As a nurse, I regret not seeing all of this myself. Inhalant abuse is not often “noticeable” by one symptom. Looking back, maybe the burn was caused by the propellant in computer duster. We will never know.

After speaking with the head of the ambulance company who performed resuscitation on Darrell, come to find out there is not a special protocol for diagnosing and treating inhalant abuse in the field, so it is really up to us parents to WAKE UP and prevent the need for emergency care. In California it is not illegal to use inhalants, and in this case was not reported to the emergency crew. There may be signs, though they may be confused with other diagnoses’, we as parents need to be alert, no matter what the child’s age or history. Some of the signs of inhalant abuse are:
• drowsiness,
• lightheadedness
• loss of inhibition
• unexplained burns
• sores around mouth and nose

Further use can lead to the following:
• dizziness,
• hallucinations or delusions,
• belligerence,
• apathy
• impaired judgment

Long-term inhalant abusers can suffer damaging health consequences including:
• depression and mood changes,
• weight loss,
• inattentiveness,
• lack of coordination
• irritability
• weakness

There are many firsts in a parents life- first tooth, first step, first bicycle ride, first merit badge, first prom…We all await their graduation, wedding, their first child, their first big job… With a child’s death we have some most grievous firsts – the first relative we must hear from, the first conversation with the emergency room crew and coroner and our first glimpse of our child lying dead on a gurney. The first time we go through belongings to choose their clothing for the memorial; first time we go through pictures and preparing our first words for the memorial service. The first time we have to comfort family and friends when you yourself are falling to pieces….Your first true realization that they were not coming back and a first memory of anything you ever said or did that might have hurt feelings or not been supportive. Then the first time you realize you can’t pick up the phone to talk to them. Their first birthday after their death, first one week, one month, one year anniversary of their death, first Mother’s Day without their phone call, first Christmas without their presence, their siblings’ first born child who would not have their fun-loving Uncle Darrell present .

Our family has now lived through the first year without our beloved Darrell, son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend, boyfriend, co-worker. Time marches on, moving ever forward. It is now time to take action against inhalant abuse, knowing that Darrell would want us to do as much as possible to prevent others from dying and to support those who have lost a loved one to inhalant abuse. We all must help encourage legislation and promote education of community and healthcare providers to prevent further deaths.

We, the parents who have lost children to inhalant abuse, are available to provide support, with an open ear, mind and heart. We are not experts in counseling, intervention or diagnosis but experts in empathy, having been through the worst loss. Following is advice that helped me make it one year, when I really thought I might die of a broken heart and sometimes wishing I would.

1. Accept help when it is offered as it may come from places you least expect.
2. Lean on friends and family, talk to doctors, counselors (thanatologists, death specialists, if available) and others who have been through similar circumstances (ie support group participants)
3. Some friends do not know what to do or say, don’t hold it against them, move on.
4. Don’t be ashamed to cry when you need to.
5. Talk about your loss and keep their memory alive.
6. If you find solace in certain activities, do them often. ie. Exercise, church, movies, work, family visits, but do not bury yourself in them, they won’t make you forget.
7. Avoid alcohol intake, it often makes you feel worse.
8. Find out information about the death if there are questions, it may hurt immediately but will make you stronger and ease your mind.
9. If you have dogs and/or cats, pet and talk to them often, they are good listeners. Allow them to comfort you in their unique way.

Books to read that helped me through my grief:
• The Worst Loss, Barbara D. Rosof
• Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief, Martha Whitmore Hickman
• Your Child, Your Friend, When an Adult Child Dies, National Kidney Foundation
• The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, A Story of Life for All Ages, Leo Buscaglia – Written for children to understand death and dying
• The Next Place, Warren Hanson – Written for children regarding where the soul/person goes after death
• Safe Passage, Molly Fumia

Special thanks to the Alliance for Consumer Education and the Musculoskeletal Transplant Foundation for all of their wonderful support throughout my first year of grief.

- Margie P., RRT, RN